~ Pushtiie S ~: The “B-Day”… :p

The “B-Day”… :p

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It was sleep and yet I was awake. Like the song I had heard, had come to life that very night. That night was conscious sleep and I enjoyed every moment of it. I was up at 7:30am and felt so very well rested. There was a different quality in the day… it was so silent. I was already centered. I went about the morning like I usually do, simply in a different surrounding. It did not feel like I was away from what I called home. Was showered and ready in a short while and then had a little time before I went to the Ashram. {what they now call the OSHO International Meditation Resort}. I looked at myself in the mirror…. I was a day older… a year older… but I still looked the same. Nothing had changed on the outside. So what… had anything changed on the inside?

{Me on my 25th birthday - in the ashram even then.}

I was to be answered on the in a while. I reached the Welcome Center and waited for the person in charge to look me up on the computer. Done. I was guided to take the Aids test and met the doctor again. ☺ He is a jolly fellow who loved to smile. “Arrey Shakti aap vapas aagaye? Very good very good, aap ko bahut miss kiya.” I was smiling within myself as I thought of all the days I had spent in the welcome center helping people register and get ready to walk into this new world. And here I was now, being supported by the same environment and friends to walk into my new world. ☺ It was a full circle. Lost in my thoughts, I did not realize that he was ready and waiting. I put out my right index finger and there was a small prick…

Blood should have flown out, but it did not. I looked at it and then I looked at him all confused. “Arrey hota hai… kabhi kabhi ziddi hota hai, thoda finger press karkey nikal na padta hai.” He pressed my finger and out came one perfect round drop of deep red blood. The relese was tremendous! Suddenly it felt like something that had been stored for a while, within me, was finally out. I was actually lighter, physically and mentally. I don’t know what happened, but it was nice. He took it in the dropper and then wiped the rest away. I stepped out and waited. I stood by the pond, leaning on one of the pillers and looked into the water and at the reflection of Buddha statue in it. It was so silent… it just was. It just sat there smiling at me. I was already smiling but now there was a different quality to it. I stood there looking at it and it sat there looking at me. We were having some sort of a conversation.

{The one i am talking about, in a distance}

Finally I got the pass and was about to enter when Suryam, a very close friend, landed up. There was a sudden madness of hugging and kissing and holding hands and talking and shoulder slapping and… phew..! He is a really jolly and happy fellow who knows how much he loves OSHO and nothing else matters to him. A typical Punjabi boy with a solid heart of gold. He has always been a great great friend.

I walked in with him and realized that much has changed there… for a while. Although I straight wanted to run off and get a silence badge, he took me to the plaza for a hot chocolate and samosa. I agreed, But before that we stopped by the book shop. I picked up 2 cards from the OSHO tarot pack, asking them to guide me on my 30th year. The 1st was “Nothing-ness and the second was “Postponement”. It re-conformed what I knew… I was to drop it all and become one again, without the slightest delay. The card of nothing-ness was also about the state I wanted to achive in my meditation, and this told me I would this year. The feeling was that of much going to happen this year. I had already felt it.

“Dekh Baba bolrah hai khali ho ja… nai to koi point nai hai.” We had met after a very long time and we could not really get enough of each other. We laughed and talked and he did his usual silliness and made it a point to see me laughing. I was laughing, yet there was a silence to the moment. He understood it so well. “Bahut badi hogaye hai?? Buddhi ho gaye hai!!! Chal koi nahi, isi khushi mai muskura de.” And there it was… yet another smile that lit up my eyes and made them sparkle. The smile he remembered me smiling for the last 6 years. As I smiled so did he, “HAI… Aab meri janu lagdi pai…” heheheheh. I just looked at him and realized how important it was to have, around us, people who really know us and understand who we really are. I was so lucky to have Suryam, even if I met him once in 2 years and just for a day even. I did not realize that I was still looking at him. “Oye… inna pyaar jalakaye ge to aapney liye kya rakheygi?” And we were laughing again.

It feels very normal when I say laughing and smiling and talking… … but it was completely different. All the opposites came together right there. It was silence but it was laughter. It was moving forward but no leaving behind. It was all new and yet it was just an integration of the old. I took a deep sigh and closed my eyes. The music from the Buddha Grove called out to us and Suryam would not take no for an answer. “Sari zindagi padi hai silence honey key liye…” With that he just pulled me to the Grove. At first I could not move, I was stuck. I shifted my body all uncomfortable and holding on to my shawl. I had never been like this. After one song he quietly came from the back and ran away with the shawl,” Khali ho ja… Dil khol key nach… nai te tang kardunga.”

{Where we loose our inhibitions and hopefully keep them lost}

I just stood there, feeling bare and naked. I had frozen. I had been trying to hide from everyone and now I no longer could. I could not even hide from myself. But what was I hiding? It was like wanting to go back in time. When I was a silly, happy girl of 25 and had no care in the world. When I was the life of the dance floor and everyone waited for me to come on. When I had no inhibitions just a flow of life that ran thru my being and I was unafraid of expressing it. And now I stood there, at the center of the grove and felt naked. I could not move even the little that I was earlier. He just stood by and watched everything.

He asked the dj to play my favorite Belly Dancing tracks and a few more that I had always loved. They came on and he stood before me at a distance. I could see him looking at me, sure…, yet somewhere hoping that I will reconnect. And to start me off he did a few of the thumkas. Hahahaha. Slowly I started moving and in five minutes I forgot the world. I was back to being Shakti… the powerful, uninhibited one. The one I had always been, but forgotten. I was so happy that I could have carried on for ever, but the Grove was scheduled for just an hour each day. As the last song began to play, he came by and pretended to dance besides me. I did not even notice until it was over and I refused to stop. I did not need any music from the outside, anymore. The tune playing from within had made its re-appearance. I had once more allowed my self to connect to it. Finally I stopped and stood very still, very silent. But there was a huge difference between the silence before the celebration and after it. I was re-emerging. :)

Suryam stood in front of me and put his hands on my shoulders,”Ro ley! Khail ho ja.!” And I did! I cried a million tears of happiness. A happiness of meeting… of going back… of celebrating the reunion… of old memories that I was making my today… of energies I had shed off… of the love that I was re-entering. The list went on and on. We hugged and I breathed a deep long breath. It was not like the short breaths that I had back at home.

I don’t even know how long it was. “Tum jananio kena yahi buri aadat hai, bus moka miljaye, rona bundh nahi hota. Chal pani pilau…” heheheheheheeh… There were tears in my eyes and I was smiling, giggling if you please. At that moment I wondered why I was not in love with this mad hatter. I was… actually we were in love with each other, but it was way beyond what we could even explain or understand. And we loved it.

Back at the plaza table, I wanted to go into silence again. But this time it was a different silence. The first time around it was with questions and a need to be directed. This time it was just silence… an empty and satisfied silence of acceptance and of love. Suryam had helped me get here. He was talking to some common friends, but the moment I decided to tell him, he turned to me. “Chal silence wala badge ley aatey hain.” With that we got up and walked towards the galleria.. :)

It may just have been a few hours of the morning, but it had sooooooooooooo much to teach me. This is what I gathered:
1: Filling up was no big deal, it was the emptying out that was a task.
2: To receive or express anything I wanted to, I was to be empty.
3: If I tried to grow up and think… I ruined everything for myself. {Hahahahahh}

This was just the morning. The beauty of the silence was yet to happen to me. I was already high!

In much love and all light…
Blessed be :)

About Post Author

Pushtiie

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12 comments:

UnknownJuly 23, 2010 at 9:50 AM
I've goose bumps as I finish reading this blog post, Di. Reading your posts always takes me to another world for the 10 or so mins. and I don't even realize that until I'm at the end and brought back to this world.

Can only imagine what a strong spiritual and emotional experience it must have been like. You're right... it's really important to have people in your life that know you so well and can remind you of who you really are especially when you forget.

And the priceless lessons! Thank you so much for sharing, Di !

-Maheen
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confuseddocJuly 23, 2010 at 10:09 AM
hmmmm...what do i say!!! its like a feeling of being content n yet feeling of longing to knw more!!! u took me to a trance thru this piece soo well written..thanx to ur friend for being there when u may b most needed it!! you r soo rite in sayin its imp to have such people..n reading ur blog made me realise n miss one of my such friends..
exactly knw what it feels to leave inhibition..as a part of my art of living part 1 course we had to do do the same thing..n i needed our guide to come hold my hand to make me start n even the end of session cudnt stop me..i've never been to Osho ashram but i agree to the fact that Emptying is the toughest task of all!!!! wanting to do that but dunno when i'll be able to work towards it n experience Nothingness!!! U made my stayin up at nite worthwhile...love reading ur blog!!

-Sweta.
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SHRUTHI K MOHANJuly 23, 2010 at 10:28 AM
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SHRUTHI K MOHANJuly 23, 2010 at 10:29 AM
U r really a strong spiritual person!!!..It felt like I was there with you at the ashram..losing my inhibitons..and dancing..and those thumkas.. :) The power of meditation its immense!!!I really wish to visit the ashram once..From watever I have heard from you..I have become more and more curious..No wonder y you are able to keep an aura of happiness ..Yet another gud post
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UnknownJuly 23, 2010 at 10:57 AM
omg pushtiie, that was just awesome. i pray for u, to get ur mahi in this year who wud fill ur life with lot of happiness. and help you to nothing ness that u are wanting.........luv u hun god blessssss xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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AngelJuly 23, 2010 at 12:33 PM
I absolutely loved reading this..your blog takes me into a whole new world, a world where i wish i was, to be able to remain silent and live with oneself and no external stimulation is the most difficult according to me and I feel that once a person reaches a stage where all a person needs is herself is truly mesmerizing. Thank you for introducing me to such a beautiful world..your blog posts are very beautiful and inspiring.. I am glad you have met people who know and love you for who you truly are. I absolutely know how beautiful it is. Thank you for sharing and looking forward to many more..keep smiling :)

-Radhika
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UnknownJuly 23, 2010 at 12:39 PM
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UnknownJuly 23, 2010 at 12:43 PM
hey di,
i really liked it.i have been to OSHO ashram in dehradun...and i attended some of the worshops...natraj ,vibrational (where u have to tap ur feet...so tht a kind of vibration goes into ur whole body) ,crying ...nd bring out all tht things out which makes u depress...as u had mentioned...there is so much of peace in the ashram...no boundation...do whatever u want to do.....
i really want to know that...r u able to evoke ur chakras..tht r placed in ur spinal chord...after meditation...
deepika wali
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Miss Sunshine!July 23, 2010 at 1:27 PM
thanks so much for sharing your wonderful experiences with us! it made me feel that i was with u, on that day, got me more close to you! love you <3
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UnknownJuly 23, 2010 at 3:31 PM
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UnknownJuly 23, 2010 at 3:35 PM
cute pic of urs ;) and belated birthday wish! Blessed be .... :)
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shalini rajputJuly 30, 2010 at 9:39 AM
You are such a godly person, that why everybody wants to interact u...You have positive vibes....
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