My Paddington Bear

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As I finished reading “P.S. I Love You” by Cecelia Ahern, I had a very beautiful feeling. The journey that woman had taken within it reminded me of the one I could never take when my boyfriend died. But then I was just way too young. I was thinking about how I wish he had been like the guy in the book and left me letters to structure my life forward. I did miss him and I still do. I still see that look in his eyes when we talked about having our babies. But yes, its the past, a past that I left back in 1996. I have gotten over it. Sometimes memories come back and knock the door to that little corner in my heart. At first I was scared to open it, but now I welcome them with a nostalgic fondness.

Sweetly enough at the end of the book there was one more thing I noticed. It was the adorable Paddington Bear book-mark I had in it. I just got it a few days back when I was in the store with a newly found friend. A friend who is infatuated with the idea of me. I do believe that he would have fallen in love had I allowed it. But it makes me happy to think that I pushed him back, just when he was about to fall off the edge of the cliff. I have shared, just, very little time with him, but have grown extremely fond of him. In the three times that I met him, we formed a bond. A bond of friendship, I would not like to lose. I so see us sitting together and swearing the brains off the other's skulls, he high on booze and me on life. But I don’t blame him if he looks at it other wise.

He said I made him lonely when I left, even though his best friend was right there. He told me he looked for my face in the stars and in the foam of his coffee cup. He said that his permanent preoccupation these days was thinking of me and that he wished that I could only spend more time with him. He wrote me a letter I will cherish for a very long time. He sat like a quiet school boy when I yelled him off about silly things he did. He looked at me with puppy dog eyes that made me nervous. {I guess I’m not used to being looked at like that..!!!} He wanted to share his story with me and me with his story. It was so easy to give in.

But they don’t call me grown up for nothing, right? I hated it and wished there was another way…. But I had to say it to him out straight. I told him that at 30 I was looking for my soul-mate who would eventually be my husband and the father of my babies in 2 years. And then I asked him if he saw himself like that. Now, it’s a little difficult to have to decide if you want to have children with a woman your infatuated with, yet don’t know much about her at all, specially when you are just about in your mid 20’s. Even if she feels like THE ONE you could have asked for … and nothing more. I remember the sound of his voice when I said it and he had to say “NO”. Although I was expecting it, it… … ……. Had its effect on me.

I don’t know if he sees it, yet… but I know I have saved him from more pain in the future. I wish there was a way to make this alright. _______________________________________________


But when I see this book-mark and Dear old Paddington on it, I will definitely have a smile on my face and a hug in my heart for the real live Paddington Bear I know... is. A bear that looked for my face in the stars of the night skies and the foam in his coffee cup. I will fondly remember the memories of the few days of the second half of my 30th year, that told me what I really needed to know…
Romance is Still Alive.

Lots and Lots of Romance
Pushtiie


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1 comment:

  1. confuseddocMarch 5, 2011 at 10:17 AM

    baby i love u !! n i hope u know how much!!!! i'm proud of u to have thought of him n saving him from the pain..if not now he'll definitely realise that soon...
    and yes Romance is alive n all set to sweep u off ur feet soon!!!! i can feel it sense it...the clarity of ur mind is just an indication that its around!!!!
    lots of love <3<3<3

    ReplyDelete

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