~ Pushtiie S ~

It’s the perfect time to start a personal blog… what say? I have just turned 30 and its already begun to get amazing. :) Coming to this age has been quiet an interesting journey. When I look back I see that there is achievement and failure, joy and sadness, reaching and getting lost. So much has happened and yet… there is so much more that will happen now. In these few days of being 30 life has already seemed to change course and I have no choice but to follow. It looks like an amazing route as of now.

It all started with the bus ride to Pune, {where I went to spend the day}. On 16th afternoon I went to Dadar, hoping to get a bus to Pune and get there in ample time to take a good night’s rest. Got a ticket for a well known Volvo bus and was promised that it will take off bang on time, not waiting for it to fill out. Mum was still not very happy as she had suggested the Shivneri. But there was too big a line and I was in a hurry. After 20 minutes of waiting for the bus to reach, we started towards it. The owner had told us that it would pick us up from where we were…! S sudden feeling started niggling at me. I wanted to now go by the Shivneri. But it was too late now, I guessed. ON reaching the bus I was told that it will only take off when it was full… :p Mum was hopping mad and I decided to get off. S we went back to the office space and while I stood in line to get a Shivneri ticket… mum got the money from the other fellow back. She is quiet the strong one… heheheeh


{Mum & me in 2006}

I got a ticket and got on to the bus. Immediately went to the seat and almost collapsed. It was already 4:30pm. I waved to my mother and realized that she had, once more, set me off on a trip that marked an important beginning of my life. I waved to her from the window and saw a little pang of pain pass her eyes. She wanted me to stay, but she knew that I had to go. It was the last time I saw mum in my 20ies. All I remember of her is the strength and mad determination that she had passed on to me and never let me forget, I had it. In that moment, I wished she could see things my way… and celebrate my moving on rather then holding me back, even if it was in her heart. A little secret… she is the only thing that keeps me alive, the day she is gone, I know I will be on some mountain top, communicating with God, waiting to be gone myself. No matter how much I fight with her, no matter how much we yell and scream, no matter how many doors bang… we are totally in love.

With her face in my mind I set off on my last journey of 29. I looked at the world thru a glass window now. I took out the cell phone and checked my songs. I picked my usual list and settled into listening to them. Pushing the seat back and resting my back better, I switched on the 1st track, “Mai to piya sey naina lagai aaye re..”, Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan and Ustad Sultan Khan from “Pukaar”. It is such a beautiful song and with so much meaning that I can listen to it any amount of times. Sleep gradually floated into consciousness and I was off.
http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=dYl9M18Lb_I&feature=watch_response
I could still hear the songs play and change. I knew them all so well. Had heard them again and again. And suddenly there was a sound I did not recognize. It brought me closer of waking, but not totally there. As I focused on it more then the others… it began to talk. It said
“They don’t sleep in the days and they stay awake in the nights,
From the moment these love lost eyes have met yours, this is all they do, my beloved.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNoJ2iH_rqA

Wow… it was sooooooooooooo beautiful, sung by Shafaquat Amanat Ali, I was wondering how I missed it so many times. Now I was fully awake and my eyes were open. As I listened, I looked out the window at the rain drops slide on the glass. They were having so much fun. The kind of fun I understood. I looked I awe and I heard in silence. The song was over, but I was thirsting for it. I created a different playlist immediately and put in the some 20 times. I kept hearing it. For every time it talked, I heard new meaning in those 4 lines. It talked about a beloved and locking eyes with him, being unable to rest without him and a consciousness that was flooded with him, on all levels. I scanned my heart and my mind… but I could not come up with one that I felt like that about. {mum keeps telling me to think of marriage…??} Finally I gave up and tears clouded my eyes. Even at 30… was I to be all alone? I asked in the depths of my heart and the song began one more time. I let my eyes close and allowed the tears to keep rolling down. I let out a deep sigh. I was guided to put my hands on my heart and let the energy flow into it. I obeyed.

Gradually I began to look into the deep darkness within me. All I saw was loneliness. The song kept talking me thru all of this and all I could hear was my mind talking of being alone. I could not take it any more and opened my eyes. I looked into the sky and began a heart to heart talk with the almighty. I looked into the sky and began to sing along telling him that is what I wanted. After a good 20 minutes… I realized that it was what I already had all along. I already saw the almighty as my beloved and then left no space for any one in human form to step into it. {no wonder mum does not like me praying so much :P hehehe } It hit me.. I had put up the “no vacancy” board. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. With this realization my tears turned to that of joy and I closed my eyes to go back to sleep. But like it said… “They don’t sleep in the days and they stay awake in the nights, From the moment these love lost eyes have met yours, this is all they do, my beloved.”

I was asleep and yet I was awake, feeling the energy travel to my heart from my hands. I fell into a deep space of relaxation. Yet I was listening. In an hours time… I took a deep breath and smiled. I opened my eyes and realized that I was where I had to be, Pune station. I moved, ready for my body to be heavy. To my total blissful surprise I was light as a feather and happy as a chirping bird. I got off and too an auto. I called mum and told her I had reached. I got into the building and called the friend who was to make the arrangements. He sent the keys and I got into the house. I was not hungry. I arranged everything for the next day and fell asleep, in Samadhi at 11:pm. That was my last as a 29 years old.

There were some major lessons I had learnt in the last few hours of that day.
1: No matter what the brain and logic say… I must follow my instinct.
2: I may have God as my beloved, but it was, now, time to create space for a human being. :p
3: I was to heal my self each day before and after I helped another.
4: Finally… no matter what, I was always to be grateful for every breath I took.

With this in my heart and head, the next day was beautiful. Will make that the next post. :)

In much love and all light…
Blessed be :)