~ Pushtiie S ~

Today the energy in my life was love -- I woke up with a smile in my heart and a spring in my feet. I carried it all day... Now my heart is tired. Its wants to cry. And it still is about love.

I met a friend from college after many many years today. A month back I looked him up to thank him. He was the first man who actually understood who I truly was. He told me about it back then and I vehemently refused to accept it. In college it was not the kind of person I wanted to be. I wanted to be cool and "IN" {what ever that meant}. Being content and satisfied with the smallest of things was not acceptable. But I was that.... I STILL AM! I see this for a while now... he saw it then. When I look back, he celebrated it. He knew a simple rose or a smile made my heart sing. He created simple opportunities for it to happen as often as he could. But I was trying to be what was expected of me... all caught up with the times and totally killed by peer pressure. I missed it. Today I am more of that, in fact I am totally that and now use that understanding of me to help me choose the people who are a part of my life. He did not really find it important for me to have expressed my gratitude to him. But it was important for me. He has changed. He has grown into a different person who may just miss that very simplicity in another. But he is still as beautiful inside and under all that pretense covering of change. I saw moments where he peeked out. It made me so much more alive. I felt all the love in me that I possibly did not back then. My heart was sooooooooooo full by the end. Saying Thank You was like accepting all the love that was hanging in the space between us just waiting to wrap itself around me... if only I opened my heart to it. It is amazing how patiently it waited for the past 17 years.

On my way back from the cafe I bumped into another friend. I have known him since 2005. We have been through so much together. His demeanor is possibly quiet the opposite as compared to the friend earlier. This one and me had a crazy love affair that never really ends. No matter how much time has passed or where all we have traveled... we can come back to each other with as much feeling. Its always been so intense. Our stories are strange and passionate, together and apart, earthy and surreal all in one. Today when I saw him I automatically teared up. Then I felt a feeling I did not recognize. I wanted to hold back my tears and push him away. I did. I pushed him away and almost ran home. Weird... I am soo not like that. Its just not me. But it happened and I let it.

Back home and suddenly the tears found a way out. But they were way more then I would have expected. As always my eyes closed and I went within to understand this. Slowly it all rolled into my consciousness. Everyone that has ever loved me or I have ever loved, is a very strong part of my life. I may not have them in my consciousness all the time, but they are there. We may not interact for the longest time and yet when we are back, we are right where we started. All the love is always going to be there in various corners of my heart. I may think a person is in the past, but every time I come face to face with them... Its a different story. I do believe I can never really put love in the past... ITS ALWAYS PRESENT!

Jai Ma Kali ~*~ Jai Ma Guru ~*~

Pushtiie Shiv Shakti ~*~

I DO NOT watch the news or read the newspaper. It always so full of the negativity that people are spreading around. I live in my own world and its beautiful. There are things that don't usually reach my world when I could get negatively affected. But if they do... I know I have something to work with there. The story of the gang rape in delhi seemed to cut thru the walls of my world and affect me big time.

I read about it at night, just before I was about to go to sleep. I COULD NOT SLEEP! Being an extremely visual person, I automatically SAW everything I read. I tried to remove it from my mind's eye and fall asleep, but I woke up in 45 minutes. Could not sleep again. Did something to occupy my mind for about 2 hours and then tried again. 45 minutes and I was wide awake. Then sleeping made no sense. I was blank. I did not know how I should feel. Anger and pain was the obvious choice and so was helplessness, shame and sorryness. But I was blank. I just stared into the skies and..... stared some more.

For a few days after this I had shoved the incident to a remote corner of the mind where it just could not be reached. I had to work. I had a lot of stuff to finish and this would come in the way. But last night it all came back. I had finished everything I had to do and finally my mind was free. I was too tired to read or even watch tv. I just wanted to hit the sac. Out came the memories and visuals I had hidden away so well and were added with the fact that the girl had died. I have a very different P.O.V. on death. So in my heart I prayed for the girl to have a happy journey home.

A part of me knows that before that soul came down to earth, she had decided on al of this , just like we all do. But as a human being it s a horrible feeling to know that this level will have to reached to teach others a lesson. Now I kept asking myself, IS THERE SOMETHING WE CAN DO TO CHANGE IT, NO MATTER HOW LITTLE? I cannot take the law in my hands. I cannot make sure every woman is taught and proficient at self protection. I cannot make sure I stop such incident before it happens. So what am I left with? A silent walk that turns to an interview with the stars and a whisper while u walk do? NO... Its not what I want to do. SO WHAT THEN???

I looked around me and I looked within me... What could I do? I realized that my power was the creator and his energy. But how will that help? If I tell people that I want to pray and hope that others will join in, they will say "Yeah right, like that will help." Its considered a sign of weakness. When you cannot do anything, you pray! Do I believe that? NO... I pray for everything and I have a beautiful and blessed life.

People don't know anything about me. They think I am like the characters I play. No one is looking beyond that. I dont care. But I'll let you in on a deep secret of my life... I am the biggest miracle alive and the most Blessed one! All because of prayer. I have had so much change and work because of just prayer. SO I WILL PRAY, YET AGAIN! And I know it will work. I hope more people will come be a part of it so that the power of the energy I am starting to send in the direction of safety and protection will be GREATER than the negative one. I will cover the world in protection and help what ever I can.

Care to join me??

Lots of love and Prayer

Shakti ~*~

Sometimes there is so much we don't see. We let go of things without actually knowing what they really mean to us. We have to slow down. We have to take a moment. We have to reach the TRUTH -- each time. Its never that easy. But as we do it each time, we grow into it. I have seen sides of me die, just because I wanted to see the truth.Its so naked. Its just so .... so..... just there. Its hiding behind nothing. The irony, we say we are looking, honestly, we are hiding and behind soooooooo much.

Today I understand what the greats means when they said,"Only if you die to yourself, do you come alive to the truth." I never really knew me, not at all! Was busy looking at myself from the eyes of the people around. Their idea of what I was, of what I should be, of what was right for me... etc! Now everything is falling off. The other is remaining the other, specially in this case. Somewhere I know that we are one, but on a level that they may not even have started looking at, leave alone experiencing. Now, me saying that has always felt like I was feeling superior. I would feel horrible when I thought like that. But Its not the truth! "I AM" like that. I have allowed myself to look beyond what everyone normally does. think differently, I believe in different things. When I think or say that it's not a gloat, its the TRUTH. My truth. I enjoy counting my blessings and I am not very fond of competing with the others. To me... only "I" matter.

I took my time introspecting this "I". Finally the realization said but one thing," I am my only connect to myself." No one outside of me could bring me to "ME". No matter what the method, what their plan of action. Only I was to to introduce me to myself. Gradually I have begun to listen to myself. Now a days I have amazing conversations with me. I think it all started with a simple realization that I already knew myself -- I had just forgotten! I know what makes me "ME", not anyone else. Not someone "others" want me to me. To the normal person I am weird. I am not what a regular 32 year old should be in my circumstances. Thing that are important to me are pretty much useless to everyone else. But they feed "ME". They allow me the freedom I have always wanted. They allow me to smile reasonlessly, they allow me to be by own guide. They allow me to me my Divine Self.

They allow me to love "ME" like I truly am!

Really "ME"

I came back from Manali about a month ago. I know I should have written earlier, but it took me this much time to really settle in. I had taken up the project coz I love the mountains and I was told that the feeling of forever was to be shared, once again. :) You know me , I'm a sucker for love!!! So off I went... looking for FOREVER!

I found it everywhere. :) In the mountains I could see each day from my balcony. They changed with the changing sun and moon. They changed with the changing weather. They changed with every cloud. But they stood there, FOREVER!

With the Snow

With the Clouds

With the Sun

I am very connected to hearts. Call it a little girl thing, call it a fairy tale, call it what you will. But the fact is that even today a part of me relates love to a heart. I saw them everywhere. Be it the stone tiles of my balcony, in the shape of the flower atop a mountain 8000ft above sea level or the mud outside the temple closest to our hotel. There were always there, FOREVER!

The Flower on the Mountain

The Tile in the Balcony

The mud outside the Temple

I have long believed in soul connections and past lives. I think we have known each from the beginning of time. We keep coming back to help and support each other all the time. As pre planned, I met.. or should I say re-met one such soul. We recognized each other and when we acknowledged it, he said to me... " Feels like I have known you FOREVER!"

... ... ...

There were so many more things that I can think of. But if I start putting them here, I'll end up taking FOREVER!!!

Blessed Be )O(

Much love and light

Aum Namaha Shivaya ~*~

Jai Ma Kali _*_

Recently I have been getting very strong messages from MOTHER NATURE. She is calling me to be with her. She wants me to spend more time and share more energy with her. She says I have to prepare for what is coming. To deal with it I need her help. I also need to trust and believe that all will be fine. She reminds me to love myself first and share the love as well.

Outside my window.

It was not surprising that I began to spend hours looking at the trees outside my window..! I get lost in them and then different kinds of input to the senses seem to overwhelm me. The wind shaking up the leaves, the loud rustling sound they are making, the rain drenching them, the dim sunlight glowing off them. My mind goes into over drive... I am thinking of everything I possibly can, all at once. Then suddenly I go completely blank. Now I am not thinking, i am just looking. Its a different sensation to describe, but its AMAZING! I can see everything in front of me but I cannot seem to think of it. My mind has finally given up. Like an overloaded machine that just conks off.

Trees can be silent.

I could not be more grateful to the conking off. In that complete silence inside I actually saw, I actually heard. I saw how the tree just stood there enjoying itself in all that was happening around it. It played with the wind and the rain. I enjoyed itself. It got refreshed and happier at the end of it. It was like a group of children had come out to play. And they knew JUST how to make the most of their time together. THATS WHAT I WAS BEING TAUGHT. To just allow things to happen. To play along and enjoy it. To hold my center in a raging storm. Cant say I have not been taught all of this before, but this time it seemed to reach somewhere deeper. And its been hammered hard each minute.

I am reading the signs, loud and clear. I have suddenly started hearing form the Herbs, left right and center. Did a class a couple of days ago, found an online school specializing in it and was lead to register with it, The nature cards jumped out at me, and so much more. The cards had a special message for me. They have told me to pick one each day and observe the day. Not lead it, just observe it. I have also been guided to help others with messages that might be waiting for them.

Trees Danse

I have decided to do three, 1 card, reading, each day, for anyone who may want them starting today. I look forward to what is in store for everyone and me. Mother Nature sure knows how to reach teh one she wants to. :)

Much love and light

Shakti

Aum Namaha Shivaya ~*~

I love lamps... They fascinate me. This morning, with so much rain, my room is a lovely dark spot. The perfect time to light a lamp and cuddle in with the lappy or a book, {Am reading about advance soap making stuff lately :D}, and a cup of green tea. I turned on the lamp by my bed and fell totally in love with it all over again. Could not leave out the other ones now could I? So my table lamp and then my ritual area lamp. It was lovely to click all of them. I just had to share :)

The one by the bed

This is the on by the bed. Nice and bright so I can read at night. Oooo that rhymes... Nice and BRIGHT so I can read at NIGHT :P This was a gift by a long lost friend Hrishita Bhatt. I love how this lamp creates patterns on the wall. Its magickal.

The one on the table.

YES ITS PURPLE..! Just like the rest of my room is :D I love the actual leaf in its weaving. This was a gift by all the girls when I met them the first time. Shifa, Saloni, Dinka and Farheen. Sweta, who was family by then. had told them... "Di's room is purple... She loves purple, Lets give her something Purple." Hehehheehehh The most lovely and delicate lamp woven in jute and has 2 shades to it. Perfect for simple lighting with soft music and some aroma oil in my favorite burner. :)

The one in the ritual area.

The ritual area does not need a very strong light. I use it only before and after ritual mostly, its dark during. This is a perfect lamp for that area and its placed in the corner such that you can hardly see it if its not lit up. I love the warm shades and design this lamp has. It was a gift by my ex sister in law, Reshma :) It has some loving memories :)

Ohh. I just realized.. ALL MY LAMPS ARE GIFTS! heeheheheheh How very cool :) Love everyone who gives me such thoughtfully perfect presents. Make me want to rhyme again :D

Lamp light in the night,

I pray thee keep everything in sight!

Lots of love and LIGHT

Aum Namaha Shivaya ~*~

The last time I wrote to you I told you I gave up. And I did...

I stopped waiting for you, looking for you, hoping for you.

I started on a new journey...

I started to know.

There was a sudden shift in my energy,

I suddenly started behaving like I already had you.

Like I could feel you, touch, taste and see you.

THEN YOU CAME...

It rains indoors

The cells of my being get drenched in you

My body temple floats in your wave like presence

The sound is clear, the sight is clear, the feeling is clear

The LOVE is clear!

The path to you, me, us... its right here

The elements markers, their manifestations the truth,

The stone the body...

The tear the Spirit!

Aum Namaha Shivaya ~*~

In absolute bliss, in total surrender… I have always called out to you. Seen you in every one and every thing. Its always been you. Its only been you. Many are the emotions that I have called out to you with… somehow its just been many faces and many many names. Many ages and many colors. In all of it… have tried to reach you. I know you are in there some place. How do I reach you if they don’t even know you exist? They wont allow me in, they fight me, they run away, they hurt me. There are so many excuses…!

I can hear you say.. I am looking in the wrong places. If I can find you in a plant or a chair, why not in them? This is not fair… you set me out on a quest, looking for you, and then you hide in the most obvious places. You remind me of all this and even show me proof and glimpses…! Yet you remain out of reach…! Now I am helpless and almost destroyed… the game has lasted WAY TOOOOOOOOOOOOO LONG… I give up. Now I only want to wait with shut eyes. Nothing makes any sense any more. I see you and yet I cant… I cant… touch you..! I hear you and I taste you, I smell you, I feel you… AND YET… your not here..! I am tired… I give up!

Come if you will…
Hide if you must…
Promise to love me always…!

Shakti

The ghosts of the past always haunted her… Some by day, some by night… but only when She closed her eyes and opened her heart. Could never put a face to them. Yet.. there was this distinct feeling of waiting to crash into them… of bursting into a million pieces that no one could separate ever again. It felt like when it came, no one would be able to tell them apart. It always felt like two powerful magnets, opposite poles tied firmly apart, just waiting to merge. To fall into each other. To become the whole that they were taken apart from.

She could feel the inevitability growing from the day she turned 30. It was just waiting to happen. All she needed to do was to allow it. There was fear… there was anticipation… there was a pining. Finally there was a sign and she surrendered. It happened! The very first moment and there was a pull… strong enough to crush her into it.

The magnets may have had the tension all along, now they became aware of it all over again. No one dared walked between them. They were to be left alone. They were to reacquaint… to grasp the magnanimity of the tension. They did. They moved a tad closer, almost brushing. Yet the strings had not given way. They held on firmly, waiting for the right moment. It brought about a realization of timelessness and of eventualities. Parts of them had come alive. No point thinking, they just had to accept it. Sooner or later, the strings would snap.

A part of them did… after a while. A side of them crashed and fell into each other. Connecting like it was the only thing that mattered. Like they had finally found one other again… like they could finally breadth like ONE. But the impact was so strong… they crumbled. There were splinters of fear and pieces of doubt, parts of disbelief and yet, huge chunks of fulfillment. There may have been more, there was definitely more. The heap was difficult to sift thru and the other part of the string pulled hard. Although they tried, the grip was still firm. This string was made of plans and decisions of the future. It left no space for God’s plan to sink in.

Finally, they gave up. There were things to sort out and realizations to be allowed. She met her ghosts, they were all one. They had a face, a voice, a smell, a taste… and that feeling of ancientness. They had haunted her with her eyes shut, but now it haunts her all the time. It attacks everyone of her senses and demands her attention.

Divinity makes it impossible to hold back and all she can do is ecstatically obey.

In all Love and Bliss
Shiv Shakti ☺

It’s an amazing feeling when you wake up in the morning and find out that one aspect of your life has found its culmination. Suddenly all the anxiety and madness is out and in settles a calm that you never thought would descend. But it does and you are all the happier for it. It cleans up the BEING space and you are once again free to BE what you want to. The greater joy comes when you see that even though you thought you will be affected to an extent… its not like that. You are all about the freedom and it’s all that counts.

For a few moments you try to decide if you want the memories to linger or fade away. You allow your mind to go thru most of them like someone reading brail. It brings up emotions that you lived for that bit and then they naturally die out. At one moment you are aware of your mind thinking of them and in the next few moments you catch it having wandered off. In that second you know that you just want to let them be the way they are. They are part of your existence and have a life of their own. They will come at will and go at will and yet… they promise never to intrude upon your space again.

You smile fondly at them. They were an experience that taught you what you needed to know… about yourself and others around you. They have helped you take one more “aware” step towards your center. Now you are that much closer to your being. You gulp it all down with a cup of Jasmine tea and are ready to start the day.

The Bliss of BEING is back…!

Much love and light
Blessed be ♥

~ Pushtiie S ~

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