~ Pushtiie S ~

They were finally sitting at the café; again; he sipping on his ice-tea to beat the heat, she still had nothing. The last time they were there he had had 2 cups of coffee and a sandwich, but she had had nothing. It left him wondering if it was a girl thing or just her. She had not eaten much at lunch either. It was a moment he remembered well. She sat opposite him with hardly anything in her plate. But what caught his attention was how much she enjoyed every morsel of what she ate. There was a funny contentment to how she smiled when she chewed. He had forgotten the food in his mouth until she looked at him and almost started laughing. He was gaping with a half smile. He had been so embaressed that he swallowed with out chewing and immediately coughed. That made her laugh even more. Yet, she had tried not to make it so obvious to the others sitting around. It was like they had shared a secret. The very first, of many, if he could have it his way.

Now she was sitting in front of him and he was floundering. He had wanted to be here… since the time he had seen her that morning. He spent the entire day noticing things about her when she was completely oblivious. How she played with her hair, how she shifted at her desk, how she turned in his direction but did not look. He was more aware of her then he was of himself, most of the times. She was just another girl, but to him she was something. He looked forward to working with her. There was just something very comfortable about being himself around her. But right now, at this moment, he did not know what to say to her. He wanted to say so much that it was becoming difficult to decide where to start.

He had hoped for these moments since the last time they met, for in his head he had wasted them. There were so many questions he wanted to ask and so much he wanted to figure our about her. But he was tongue tied. He just sat there looking at her… not being able to decide if he should talk to her or hold her hand. That thought had him running for cover anywhere he could find it. He did… at the counter where he ordered his ice-tea. When he came back she was in one of her drifty moods. She was looking at the street with that faint content smile. He half wanted to stand a safe distance away and just look at her, take in that contentment. But she sensed him coming and looked in his direction. He just continued walking to her.

She had tied up her hair, in an untidy bun at the nape of her neck and he did not like that. He wanted to see those wild curls free and playing with her face as the occasional gust of wind gave them flight. He so wanted to ask her to untie them. He was not sure he could… yet.

“Feeling hot, are you?”

“Yup.”

That was it…! He was now killing himself about what a fool he could be. Every other planned thread of conversation promptly vanished from his head, like on cue. He just sat there… … …. Blank! She brought out a pen-drive and held it in front of him. He understood after a minute that she had actually brought for him, what he had asked for. She had NOT forgotten!!! Thankful for the change of subject in his mind he reached for his laptop. Putting it on the table he brought it out and switched it on. She just sat opposite in her own space, talking occasionally. Each time she did, he would lower the lid and listen… actually just stare. Most of the time he could hardly hear what she said, he only saw her lips moving and the eyes lighting up. She had such passion when she spoke.

When he got to paying attention to transferring the stuff to his lappy, he turned it around and started showing her his family pictures. Mum, dad, brother, him a while ago…. Suddenly he stopped! HE WAS SHOWING THIS GIRL HIS FAMILY PICTURES? ??!!!??? No sooner had this thought crossed his mind, he needed to order another drink.

“Be right back.”

She just nodded. The unknown counter was now more a friend then it had ever been before. It always seemed to be there for him to run to. Of course it charged for its rescue services, but it was there when he needed it. He took a little longer this time then he had the last time. He could not understand why he had started showing her his family pictures…! How was he going to deal with being like this around her? The newer emotions that he was experiencing were proving to be a little more then he could handle. He possibly always wanted to feel like this, but now when he did, he realized he was not ready for it. What was he going to do? He had what he wanted right in front of him and yet no way to make it his. He ordered and made his way to the table again.

The insecurity within him seemed to love the state he was in. When he realized what he was thinking, it felt very true. This time he summoned the courage and pulled his chair closer to hers. He just sat there for a bit and looked at her. She just smiled back. After a few moments he started to tell her how he was not even worthy enough to be sitting in her company or be her friend. He told how honored he felt to be there with her. He thought she would like the compliments, but to his absolute surprised, it angered her. She told him how she refused to be put on a pedestal and hated it from the bottom of her heart. She was just a normal human being and liked to be treated like that.

He was not totally sure how he felt. He was killing himself and yet, he was just so happy. There was this funnily normal thing to her, but he just could not see it. In his mind… or then was it his heart?? she already was on that pedestal. This bout of anger just had him falling even harder. Oh my god!!! WHAT WAS HE GOING TO DO?

“I’m going to get late, if I don’t leave now.”

Of course the easiest means… escapism…! Before she could say anything he was putting his lappy back, zipping his case and gulping down his drink.

“Oh ya, it is quiet late.”

Althought he kept gulping, everything about him had frozen. Did she not see it at all? How was that possible? She was one smart cookie, may be she was playing it such. His mind was on overdrive. Here was a woman he was possibly falling for and she did not even seem to notice. Everything about him changed around her and she was just unshaken…? He finished gulping and placed the glass on the table. She had also put away everything that need to be go back into her bag and was ready to leave. They got up and walked out in silence.

“I’m going this way.”

“I am off this way.” She said pointing in the opposite direction.

“Ok.”

He helped her get an auto and then turned around to walk off. But he stopped and turned. He looked after the auto and caught a glimpse of her from the little glass at the back. She was sitting still with her head turned to the side. The side he could see. He could have bet she was smiling.

Much Love and light
Pushtiie

Rule 1: “How we see God is a direct reflection of how we see ourselves. If God brings to mind mostly fear and blame, it means there is too much fear and blame welling inside us. If we see God as full of love and compassion, so are we.” - Shams of Tabrez

For a long time I have tried to word this thought and each time, I have failed. May be the simplicity with which it has already been put, I may not have reached. There is 99% of me that sees God as this beautiful presence or power that is full of love. And now I know I can feel like that simply coz I only vibrate with love myself. Its like the concept of the Buddha being present within each one of us and yet we only concentrate on the body covering it. We complete miss out on the pure magick of the being we hide within it.

Every person, on a spiritual journey, who has gotten some place… always says know yourself before you strive to know God. It would be so simple if we realize that reflections are all we need to look at. Its been hinted from time immortal. The Emerald tablet says, “ As above… so below, As within… so without.” It makes so much sense now. this contains the complete secret of manifestation. To create what we want, out of absolutely nothing, {most of the time}. PURE MAGICK. The Secret is based on just this. Then there are so many authors who have expended on it. The most prominent that come to mind are Esther and Jerry Hicks. Their books, “Ask and it is Given”, The Law of Attraction” and many more… are beautiful ways to understand this rule.

Mirrors and reflections suddenly have a new meaning. The perceptions have changed and the eyes are not afraid of the light anymore. The bud no longer looks like it self… the flower it holds within itself is just so completely visible. The unseen suddenly becomes the most apparent and feels the most natural.

Better late then never. Now that it has all changed… one must follow it thru. We must keep looking in to see that our God has not changed. To express our gratitude to the glory that graces us. Just to clean out the mirror and make sure the reflection is clear. Any dirt will change or alter the reflection. Much like the image of the moon in troubled waters. Our reflection never changes… only the mirror gets foggy at times. To clean is not difficult… we just need to remain persistent. Just keep ourselves open and allow to welcome the “I LOVE YOU” from the one inside.




The stone did Rippled,
The water did Shine,
The Moon… absolutely still.



Lots of Love
Blessed Be!

When, for the 1st time, I was asked to do a serial after 5 years, I had refused. I was not going back to “ACTING” for a serial. At that time I had no idea that it would be any different then the run of the mill characters, for me, personally. I thought it would be one more sweet hungry girl and there would be no more to it. As chance had it, I was called back to Bombay by two patients. Mum sent me to audition, I went! The first time I was not told much. But something felt nice. The 2nd audition, I knew I had it.

But I constantly kept asking the universe just for 1 thing, that if I was to do something, let it be a form of mass healing. Let it reach out to sooooooooooooooooooooo many people that it changes something within them. I insisted on a sign for it, without which I had decided that I will not sign it. The sign came and I signed it. When it had begun to air, I realized that the Universe had granted me what I had asked for. Today I want to share with you the most recent love that has been showered on me.

This mail was sent to me by Richa on Facebook. With her permission I am putting it up here. This is the mail word for word.

Remember I told u that i wanted to share something wid u ... u will find it bherry bherry Filmy , my love story :) but u know what u have such a role to play in that :)

Character details :
HEROINE- me, Richa Kumar, a "pleasantly plump " female (that's what my hubby thinks while i think i m OBese") was working in Hyd in 2008.

Amit, my hubby was in Dallas ...Thin lanky dude :) (HERO of our film)

We were introduced by a common friend..she has this adrenalin rush in playing cupid/match maker... I was a typical case of "love n lost" and didn't want to get married to just any Tom, Dick or Hariya :).. always wanted to marry someone i like.. So the idea of loving a guy in Dallas when i m in Hyd, dint appeal me much . i was ok being friends though

On the other hand Amit in Dallas was looking for a ideal match... he was clear that at this age he doesn't want just another friend in his life :) lol

We started talking in Nov 2008 :) first i found him very "pakau" and started avoiding him ... but then by January 2009 i started missing him and cupid struck :) .. from now n then , we started talking for 5-6 hours a day :)

Till feb 2009, haven't seen him nor did he see me.. We shared our FB profile then , for the first time :)
Andar Andar meri tou fatt rahi thi "what will he think about me? one moti bhains i m ..." but he said i m pleasantly plump :)

Uske baad in March end he came to hyd to meet me .. first time wehn i saw him , full butterflies in stomach...jaise ki poora hanging garden in my stomach only :P ....n then he came n hugged..
but "shaana" he was :P dint tell me clearly that if he loved me too.. Kept hinting but then wouldnt put in words..I would think why will a person like him marry a fatso like me .. he would get such pretty pretty girls. Though he would say that all thes things dont matter to him ...but then cos of all the things society make u concious of ur weight, u tend to think negatively... But i was such a idiot that i would just be on cloud 9 thinking of him .. Later i was dumbstruck when i saw a similar story line written for u in Mahi way :)

Finally at the airport he said yes.. and our family met and we got married in Sep 28th, 2009

Then while we were in Goa for Honeymoon , Amit was surfing TV and happened to see Mahi Way.. and he completely adored u .. He was like i saw someone just liKe you on TV ... and i was wondering who who who? must have seen some vamp on some saas bahu serial :)

but it was u .. he liked the character "mahi" and all the lines that u wud say to urslef. watched the whole season.. Like the episode when u get drunk and say thinks to Shiv in Roshni's engagement, he was like really do think like this about u too..Honeslty YES I DID but dint tell him :).. and then there was another one when ur friends bet u to jump in the pool and Amit would ask me "are u pool shy" ... I felt so nice when Amit would try to comfort me n accept myself .. my respect for him and his values deepened :)

How i felt like telling him that in India i can hardly find dresses of my size..Like he would ask me , where does "Mahi " get her clothes and i would be like "duh!!! she gets it designed" ... and how much i would love to wear or know where u get clothes for my size :) Honestly we loved everything u wore,from ur pajamas, to tunics to sarees...

Idea behind telling u all this is that ur smile and the way u carried ur Saree/western wear , and all the appreciation that Amit has for you has actually made me confident and proud that Amit actually likes me the way i m and made me come out of the shell that "fat gurls are very much acceptable as girl friends "

Also the doubts raised by you during the show, has helped him understand me better.. he has helped me so much to come out of my insecurities and inferiority complex..

i mean i have always been my friends choice to have fun , to booze to party , when they needed .Jolly Girl , fun to be with. but thats where it ended.. love is a diff ball game and i dint think that i was fit/sexy/in demand enuf for it... but now i m :)

This Sep 28th we complete a year.. and madly in love with each other.. Amit has been world's bestest life partner.. Thank Sai Papa So much for this gift.. And now i m so sure that when he says that he likes me the way i m , he actually means it..

love u Pushtie, indirectly u have helped us so much in understanding each other ...

Love n hugs ... God bless you.. Muuuuuuuah !!!
Richa



I had tears in my eyes and goose bumps when I read this. And till this moment I cannot help but keep thanking the Universe for the assurance that I am on the right track. Thank You Richa… you have no idea what a big effect you tell me this has had on me. Its moments like this that make my work a little more worth it :)
Thank you :)

Lots of love….
Blessed be

I was still reeling with the effects of the meditation when I entered the book shop, again. I went straight to the counter and gestured for the Ma there to give me the books I had put aside. She promptly did. She billed them and put book marks in them as well…! I loved the book marks. They feel very special. These are the 3 that I got.



I was ready to leave and she stopped me. “The Master is guiding me to give you a book. Please allow me.” I smiled and nodded. She came back in a flash with the book she has been guided to. When she gave it to me, I was surprised. But then on second thought it was just what had been coming all day. She saw the moment I had and said just one thing, “ When the Master shows you the path, don’t think so much, just blindly follow it.” She was sooooo right. I was not only being given a path now I had the manual to understanding it.

I was ecstatic…! Everything was adding up to complete a plan that I was being given for the next phase of my life and LOVE was the only way to go. I went back the way I had come and realized that it was time for the 2nd silent sitting in the Samadhi. I headed straight back. I put everything on the side, the bag, the books, my mind and even my fears to a point. I went back in. And bravely, this time I looked the books in the eye. I could see them smiling and welcoming me. It was like they were saying, “ Welcome to being who you have always been.” I had a broad smile on my lips, as if thanking them for having found me again.

As I reached inside I saw that the same space that I had been sitting in earlier was vacant, even now. Actually it was the same place that I usually got even when I was living there. The feeling was that of being in a place where I had already been and that it recognized me. Upon sitting there I took a few minutes just to look into the eyes of the Master. They were so deep and telling, no matter what picture you looked at them in. The love that they were, was just something else. it instantly got tears to my eyes. I closed them and went in, with this beautiful feeling in my heart. There was complete silence. I did not ask… I was not told…!

This time it was the beauty of the most amazing physical sensation. There was a cool and warm feeling in the heart, both at the same time. Actually I was a bit confused for I could not make out whether it was hot or cold, all I knew was that it was there. It made itself apparent in waves. As my awareness towards grew, so did that feeling. Gradually my entire torso was tingling with it. In a bit my neck and also my face and head were alive with the feeling. The base of my spine felt a thud and my hands and feet also began to tingle. In a few moments, I was one big being full of tingles…! I felt light and almost like I was floating. It was such a beautiful feeling. There was nothing there… just plain floating.

I had decided to ask questions and I wanted to… but the feeling answered them all. I was being told to “GO WITH THE FLOW”. I always thought I was good at it, but this was a different level. It was an assurance that I would be taken care of and no matter what… I was always protected. I don’t know how long it lasted, but when it came to an end, I wanted more. Truly, it had lasted longer then it should have. Only because the fellow who was to tinkle the bells had fallen asleep. It may have been wrong on his part but I saw it as a sign of love. Of Divine Love… telling me that I could be with it as much as I liked and this was just the beginning. There was much more arranged and I was going to be happily surprised. I opened my eyes and looked straight into His…! He just stayed there looking at me in all love and compassion. Unwilling, I got up and stepped out.

I was back in the corridors of books, having passed the mirrors reflecting my inner tranquility this time. This time not only the books that had caught my attention all day were smiling and excited, there was one more. It was about Psychic Protection. It was a more serious book and the energies were that of a guardian and care taker. I stood there for a second and looked at it. It said, “I’ll be there.” I thanked it and then I was walking out. As I reached the space outside, I realized that I had gone back to being that silly smily girl with two pigtails, I had always been. This thrilled me sooooo much, that I finally felt ready to remove my silence badge. I did.

It was time for a snack and I headed to Zorba, by the pool. There I met Dhynesh and as usually he was cracking me up with his silly one-liners. I would not help but laugh with an absolutely open heart. He looked at me quietly for a few seconds and finally said, “Badi honey aaye thi…??” I did not know how to react! I just smiled. He just shook his head in a kind of surrender, he just never understood what it was with me and this whole love…! On that note I took my leave and said that I will see him later in the evening. I peacefully walked back to the house.

In a few minutes I was fresh and ready to go meet Ma and Baba. It being such an important phase of my life, I could not have gotten into it without them and their blessings.


{At home after Baba finished cooking for Ma. :D }

I was hoping to get an auto coz the distance was a lot, but it was not to be. I just love LOVE walking… and today I was being given that as a gift. So I soldiered on. It was fun…! That was an amazing walk which reminded me of the mountains for some reason. The air on that road was so fresh and I was getting higher by the second. Hehheehehhehe When I reached the house I was so sloshed that I actually did a little merry jig when they wished me. :P It was not only Ma and Baba…! There was also Parul Ma and her husband Bhakta Swami.


{Parul Ma, in all her divine bliss.. :)}

They had come to spend a few days with Ma and Baba. What fun…! I was given special Hydrabadi methai and it was just tooooooooooooooooo tasty :D Yet another part of the celebration had begun..!

We spent a lot of time just sitting there and talking about different things and each thing was more interesting then the first. Finally Ma decided she wanted to go for a Walk.. :D :D I was jumping already. We got into the car and went to a park close by. It was beautiful. We all walked for a while and Baba and Bakta swami sat down. We three women were on a roll. We walked some more. That walk was one of the most beautiful ones I had had. I was walking, on the 30th birthday, between two enlightened women!!!! The fact that we were laughing and chatting away was another story. :D On one of the rounds a group of little girls sitting on the tank asked me, “Are you the one who comes in Mahi Way??” “Maybe.” I smiled and winked at them. Then I walked forward. Ma was so proud of me…! I could feel it in the way she looked at me. :D

We reached the two men and joined in that conversation. We were all sitting happily when my favorite purple rubber band flew away in a snap. I just wanted it back. So I sat on the ground looking for it under the bench. After a while of looking I did not find it. So in my heart I said to it, “ Come on sweety, show yourself..!” But it just would not. I heard it say, “You have received and now you need to give back. Nothing like something your heart is so close to.” Emmmm, true! I had just lost my favorite purple rubber band under a park bench with grass growing wild there and the moon growing above it. It had just planted itself in a beautiful spot so that with the grass around it, abundance and love may grow for me as well. Wow.. its amazing when you see how much the smallest things in your life care for you. The thought brought got tears to my eyes. I said a silent thank you to the purple rubber band and felt its love pouring in for me.

Now it was late and we were all getting hungry…! Baba came up with the yummiest idea of going to The Pizzeria for dinner. He said it was for my treat, rather the 1st part of my treat. The second one was a home cooked lunch of Hydrabadi Biryani by Parul Ma, the next afternoon :) What fun… !!! So off we went…!

Another PART of the day and so much was learnt..! Here is what I gathered:
1: “When the Master shows you the path, don’t think so much, just blindly follow it” …. No one better then an old ecstatic sanyasan to teach you that..! :P
2: Its too much effort to hide from true friends, even the ones inside you. Take the easier path… accept then with love and open arms.
3: Respect and love the smallest and even the apparently inanimate… only then will you see how much they care for you, already.
4: Just when you don’t expect it… life becomes a party and you just got to enjoy it. :D

The dinner and the most amazing bike ride at the end of the day is on next.

In much love and all light…
Blessed be :)

As we made our way to the galleria, there was a silence that filled the space between us and yet, we were communicating… way a lot. We crossed the gate and the road and then the other gate and go into Meera. The area where the pyramid meditation hall was. It is called the Buddha Hall. It also housed the Galleria and one of the eating spaces. What Suryam told me was that it also now housed the office of the Security in-charge of the entire place. His name is Dhyanesh Bharti and I call him Daddy with love :) He is the man that had made my stay possible, more then comfortable, when I actually was living there. I peeped into the office but he was not there. “Baad mey milliyo… Breakfast kerney gaye hongey.”

He lead the way into the store and I asked for the badge. It was the last one for the moment… and it was there, just for me. :) “Tarey bade naseeb hotey hain.” I looked at him with a completely girly smile on the face and a twinkle in my eyes…! “Haay Janeman… is liye to Baba and mai… dono tujsey itna pyaar kartein hain.” With that he hugged me and we were giggling again. I put on the badge and we walked into the main area. We crossed both the gates and the road again and it was amazing how beautifully people respected the badge. I saw a few people who I knew and would have definitely talked to, but when they saw it… they simply smiled and lowered their eyes. :)



I love the feeling that someone can actually respect another’s wishes and honor them. I wish it was like that in the outside world!! But alas..!

On reaching the other side, he said his good bye and told me that he will be back in the evening. “Tu aapna silence karlio… phir shaam ko baith key batyeingey. Milta hu…! Khush Raiho.” With that he left and I went into the book shop again. I looked around and my attention was totally captured by the various books on Sufism. It felt good to be in that moment since somewhere I believe that I am a Sufi. There is a certain kind of oneness in the thought. I was looking at them and something told me that I should get the books. All of them…! I picked them out and began to go thru the backs, reading what they were talking about. Each one of them was talking to me… about just what I needed to know. So much grace was flowing into my life at that moment… I was in tears! But they were tears of happiness. A joy that humbled my life and made it worth living… one more time.



I put my hand on the badge and told the Ma at the desk to keep the books aside and that I will get them when I am back in a bit. I walked out and saw Sam by the pool…! I was so excited…! He is the one person who I will always always love. {talking about him will be another post all together. :P} All I want to mention is the fact that he is a Sufi. I ran up to him, turning my badge around on the way, and gave him an all mighty hug. :) “Awww… Sufi girl, You’r back!! I have missed you.” Yes! That is what Sam calls me “Sufi Girl”!!! he has been saying that to me since the day he set eyes on me. Like he could see what I was made of and wanted me to know that he saw it. We talked for a bit and I told him that it was my birthday and he told me… “Get yourself the Sufi series girl… its time.” WOW… that was a mad conformation I got. Frankly I was now feeling alright, thinking that I was on the right track in my mind and heart. It felt wonderful. Just then the alarm for lunch went off and I started towards Meera.

I turned my badge again. I got some light food, a kiwi and some boiled veges. I wanted to go into the Samadhi in 45 minutes, so I decided to keep it light. Its always better to meditate when you have an empty stomach or a very light and natural meal. It did not take long. I was done in ample time and I went off to the other side to go into the Samadhi. Just entering the zone is so peaceful. I noticed how beautifully my gait had changed. Suddenly, I was not walking. I was gliding. I went into the glass doors and the energy hit me even stronger. I could not help but smile my blissed out smile. I hung up my sling and took my pair of white socks. As I sat there wearing them, the Ma in charge there gestured not to wear those, instead take the pair she was giving me. I then realized that mine had red strawberries on it and that was not ok. It was like a message to leave back the child and move into a grown up phase. It never denied the child, but it had to be tucked warmly away at times. I understood. When I was ready I began my walk in. The initial corridor is full of the books OSHO read.

As I walked in I looked at the various books, remembering the ones that has always caught my attention. The Babyloyan Civizilation, The Chakras and mostly such books. But this time, it was different. The only books that caught my eye were those of LOVE…! It was a little weird… unnerving in a way! I cannot explain why. I tried to look for the books I always noticed, but I just could not find them. It was like someone had changed the arrangement. I doubt that even happens, ever! But I still could only meet with this new group of books. They seemed very excited to have caught my attention. But something made me nervous. I quickened my pace and made my left turn into the next space. It is a place with mirrors and Osho’s personal chair. I could not hide. I kept seeing this inexplicable nervousness and fear in my self.

I ran faster. Another turn right and I was almost there. I slowed down there and picked up a cushion to be able to rest my feet on. Finally I stepped into the meditation chamber.



It is so silent at every moment that you can hear yourself THINK. I bowed down at the marble Samadhi and found myself a space to sit. With an erect spine, I closed my eyes. I was on my way. In my state I just asked OSHO to guide me into the next phase of my life. I told him I thought that there was something that I needed to pay attention to and much I needed to change. There was to be more to my life now, more then I had expected.

In a few moments I was in a very different state of conscious. He answers started coming. “START PAYING ATTENTION TO EVERY BOOK THAT CAUGHT YOUR EYE WHEN YOU WALKED IN. THERE WAS A COMMON THEME TO THEM. YOU HAVE BEEN RUNNING FROM THIS PART OF YOUR LIFE FOR A LONG LONG TIME AND YOU KNOW IT. NOW IS THE TIME TO FACE IT. GROW UP, BELOVED. IF YOU KEEP IGNORING IT YOU SHALL BE STUCK IN YOUR SPIRITUAL PATH. LET IT MOVE FORWARD.” I understood what was being told, but I still was not willing to accept it. I asked a silly question, “Can there be no other way out?” And I promptly had an answer. I FELL ASLEEP…. for about 5 minutes. Hahahaahahah!!!! There was no communication just pure silence. Was almost like I was told, “If you ask me silly questions, I will give you silly answers.”

How true! We know everything we need to do, most of the time. Our being will keep telling us about it. But it is our mind that creates the limitation. So many things are waiting to manifest thru us and we don’t allow them, we block them. And all it really needs is a thought as silly as, “I don’t think I can do it.” Then you cant. We give ourselves so many reasons: Society, Morals, Time, Goals, or then “JUST”. That is what I was doing. Giving myself ample reasons to avoid this and yet… it was a very simple thing. Ok I was afraid and did not really understand it, but at least I could have tried! I was being reminded of it so many times and I choose to ignore it each time. But now… it was not possible.

I was shown ways and means of how I could deal with it and all the beauty of when it actually happened. I was even assured that it was in my birth chart. Hahahahah. I was in such a beautiful space that I did not want to come back even when the bell chimed. But I had to. Slowly I opened my eyes and moved my body. I was, of course, smiling. I got up, thanked OSHO and walked out. On passing the mirrors again, I saw a different me. I was relaxed and more grounded. I liked me better like this. In the corridor with the books, I still shyed away. “THERE’S ALWAYS THE NEXT HOUR.”, I heard him say. I smiled and went past.

It was too much for me to handle. I was learning so much on this Blessed day that I could now not but think I needed to make notes. But I did not, not until now. so here goes, another round of what I gathered:
1: What is meant to be yours, WILL BE, no matter what.
2: You’r constantly talking to yourself… if only you listen.
3: Many notice you… but only some SEE you, including yourself.

The 2nd trip to the Samadhi was as interesting :)

In much love and all light…
Blessed be :)

It’s the perfect time to start a personal blog… what say? I have just turned 30 and its already begun to get amazing. :) Coming to this age has been quiet an interesting journey. When I look back I see that there is achievement and failure, joy and sadness, reaching and getting lost. So much has happened and yet… there is so much more that will happen now. In these few days of being 30 life has already seemed to change course and I have no choice but to follow. It looks like an amazing route as of now.

It all started with the bus ride to Pune, {where I went to spend the day}. On 16th afternoon I went to Dadar, hoping to get a bus to Pune and get there in ample time to take a good night’s rest. Got a ticket for a well known Volvo bus and was promised that it will take off bang on time, not waiting for it to fill out. Mum was still not very happy as she had suggested the Shivneri. But there was too big a line and I was in a hurry. After 20 minutes of waiting for the bus to reach, we started towards it. The owner had told us that it would pick us up from where we were…! S sudden feeling started niggling at me. I wanted to now go by the Shivneri. But it was too late now, I guessed. ON reaching the bus I was told that it will only take off when it was full… :p Mum was hopping mad and I decided to get off. S we went back to the office space and while I stood in line to get a Shivneri ticket… mum got the money from the other fellow back. She is quiet the strong one… heheheeh


{Mum & me in 2006}

I got a ticket and got on to the bus. Immediately went to the seat and almost collapsed. It was already 4:30pm. I waved to my mother and realized that she had, once more, set me off on a trip that marked an important beginning of my life. I waved to her from the window and saw a little pang of pain pass her eyes. She wanted me to stay, but she knew that I had to go. It was the last time I saw mum in my 20ies. All I remember of her is the strength and mad determination that she had passed on to me and never let me forget, I had it. In that moment, I wished she could see things my way… and celebrate my moving on rather then holding me back, even if it was in her heart. A little secret… she is the only thing that keeps me alive, the day she is gone, I know I will be on some mountain top, communicating with God, waiting to be gone myself. No matter how much I fight with her, no matter how much we yell and scream, no matter how many doors bang… we are totally in love.

With her face in my mind I set off on my last journey of 29. I looked at the world thru a glass window now. I took out the cell phone and checked my songs. I picked my usual list and settled into listening to them. Pushing the seat back and resting my back better, I switched on the 1st track, “Mai to piya sey naina lagai aaye re..”, Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan and Ustad Sultan Khan from “Pukaar”. It is such a beautiful song and with so much meaning that I can listen to it any amount of times. Sleep gradually floated into consciousness and I was off.
http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=dYl9M18Lb_I&feature=watch_response
I could still hear the songs play and change. I knew them all so well. Had heard them again and again. And suddenly there was a sound I did not recognize. It brought me closer of waking, but not totally there. As I focused on it more then the others… it began to talk. It said
“They don’t sleep in the days and they stay awake in the nights,
From the moment these love lost eyes have met yours, this is all they do, my beloved.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNoJ2iH_rqA

Wow… it was sooooooooooooo beautiful, sung by Shafaquat Amanat Ali, I was wondering how I missed it so many times. Now I was fully awake and my eyes were open. As I listened, I looked out the window at the rain drops slide on the glass. They were having so much fun. The kind of fun I understood. I looked I awe and I heard in silence. The song was over, but I was thirsting for it. I created a different playlist immediately and put in the some 20 times. I kept hearing it. For every time it talked, I heard new meaning in those 4 lines. It talked about a beloved and locking eyes with him, being unable to rest without him and a consciousness that was flooded with him, on all levels. I scanned my heart and my mind… but I could not come up with one that I felt like that about. {mum keeps telling me to think of marriage…??} Finally I gave up and tears clouded my eyes. Even at 30… was I to be all alone? I asked in the depths of my heart and the song began one more time. I let my eyes close and allowed the tears to keep rolling down. I let out a deep sigh. I was guided to put my hands on my heart and let the energy flow into it. I obeyed.

Gradually I began to look into the deep darkness within me. All I saw was loneliness. The song kept talking me thru all of this and all I could hear was my mind talking of being alone. I could not take it any more and opened my eyes. I looked into the sky and began a heart to heart talk with the almighty. I looked into the sky and began to sing along telling him that is what I wanted. After a good 20 minutes… I realized that it was what I already had all along. I already saw the almighty as my beloved and then left no space for any one in human form to step into it. {no wonder mum does not like me praying so much :P hehehe } It hit me.. I had put up the “no vacancy” board. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. With this realization my tears turned to that of joy and I closed my eyes to go back to sleep. But like it said… “They don’t sleep in the days and they stay awake in the nights, From the moment these love lost eyes have met yours, this is all they do, my beloved.”

I was asleep and yet I was awake, feeling the energy travel to my heart from my hands. I fell into a deep space of relaxation. Yet I was listening. In an hours time… I took a deep breath and smiled. I opened my eyes and realized that I was where I had to be, Pune station. I moved, ready for my body to be heavy. To my total blissful surprise I was light as a feather and happy as a chirping bird. I got off and too an auto. I called mum and told her I had reached. I got into the building and called the friend who was to make the arrangements. He sent the keys and I got into the house. I was not hungry. I arranged everything for the next day and fell asleep, in Samadhi at 11:pm. That was my last as a 29 years old.

There were some major lessons I had learnt in the last few hours of that day.
1: No matter what the brain and logic say… I must follow my instinct.
2: I may have God as my beloved, but it was, now, time to create space for a human being. :p
3: I was to heal my self each day before and after I helped another.
4: Finally… no matter what, I was always to be grateful for every breath I took.

With this in my heart and head, the next day was beautiful. Will make that the next post. :)

In much love and all light…
Blessed be :)